Lindbergh Elementary, A Hands-On School Survival Guide



Hello, I'm Sheen Estevez, the greatest Ultra-Lord fan in the entire universe! Within the following pages, you will read about my daily experiences with teachers, peers, and that stuff they call cafeteria food...of Lindbergh Elementary!

You may or may not be surprised to find that this is NOT you're average school.There is surprise and danger at every corner. So I wrote a book on what exactly these dangers are and how to (or at least TRY to...) prevent them.

Because, you know, it's not like you'd know anything about it. I mean, it's not like the lives of me and my friends are broadcasted daily on some 30-minute cartoon for a children's programming system. Man, I crack myself up sometimes...[eerie silence].

Uh, back to the story, each chapter will contain commentary from my fellow classmates.

Either to compare my ideas with their own or to just insult me. (Yeah, I'll go for that last one...)

So now, without further ado, comes Chapter One!

***

PART ONE: The Students of Lindbergh Elementary

~

CHAPTER ONE: My Friends

(Commentary by: Libby Folfax and Cindy Vortex)

My friend's names are Jimmy Neutron and Carl Wheezer.

CINDY: (You mean, Nerdtron and Llama Boy.)

Jimmy is a genius. He invents many cool scientific whachamagics for me and Carl to play with! Well, actually, he tells us on a regular basis NOT to touch them, but we kinda' play with em' anyway!

LIBBY: (Yeah, that explains it.)

CINDY: (Hey Libbs, aren't these the same 'whachamagics' that almost blew us up last week?)

LIBBY: (Yep.)

CINDY: (Thought so.)

Carl, isn't exactly genius, but he knows a lot about animals, especially llamas. And while we're on the subject, [goes into total rant] I'll tell you about the time he
even came up with this stupid so-called 'hero' named Llama Boy! How lame is that? AND he tried to compare him with Ultra Lord! The greatest in the galaxy! How DARE he! He shall face Ultra Lord's wrath and TREMBLE! HA, HA, HA!

LIBBY: (Okay.)

CINDY: (Libby, your boyfriend's an idiot)

LIBBY: (Yeah, I know)

Jimmy may be super smart, but the dude has a creativity rate of like, none. N-No offense, but seriously, the guy can't draw a straight line to save his life.

CINDY: (You know he's got a p-point.[breaks out in hysterical laughter])

Other than that, he's awesome! Man, we've gone into the future, to the moon, to planet Shmangi (wherever the heck that is.), and all other sorts of other places.

LIBBY: (Blah, blah, future. Blah, blah, moon.Shmangi? Can we please just stop talking about Big-head.NOW)

CINDY: (Ditto.)

My only tips of advice would be as followed:

*Stay away from any shiny portals/objets in Jimmy's lab

CINDY: (Just stay away from Jimmy.)

*Whenever Jimmy asks for a volunteer, point to Carl

*When going to the bathroom on planet Shmangi, TAKE ULTRA LORD WITH YOU!

*Yeah, uh, that, that's pretty much it.

[Editor's Note (Jimmy):Yeah, very funny guys. Ha, ha. (I can too draw a straight line.) CINDY: (Sure.)  Shut up, Cindy.]

Chapter Two: The Enemy

(Commentary by Amy Casely and Kimmy Casely)

The enemy's name is Cindy Vortex. She's blonde, popular, and best friends with Libby Folfax (MY girlfriend) and Amy Casely (A girl who moved here two months ago).

AMY: (Hey, that's me!)

KIMMY: (Hey, I didn't know Libby was Sheen's girlfriend!)

AMY: (Gosh, Kim, Where have YOU been?)

KIMMY: (Uh, having a life.)

AMY: (Oh, shut up.)

She really makes me mad by mocking Ultra Lord and calling him a doll. A DOLL! He is no DOLL! He's an ACTION FIGURE!

KIMMY: (Gosh, like there's a difference.)

There's a HUGE difference!

AMY: (Ha, we do make fun of his dolls, I-I mean action figures, a lot.)

I did absolutely NOTHING to her. She's just evil!

KIMMY: (Oh yeah, that's why you spilled grape juice all over her shirt, right?)

AMY: (Yeah that was funny.B-But very mean. [Snickers to self])

Unfortunately, it was too late for Jimmy. There was just nothing I could do. After nearly six years of humiliation and torment, she began to flirt with him! Who knows what happened  when they got stranded on that island together! She's a blonde demon, slowly sucking in the remains of Jimmy's heart! He actually thinks he likes her back!

AMY: ([Laughing too hard to comment])

KIMMY: (That's just stupid.)

AMY: (I KNEW it! Ha! Ha!)

Evil brain washer, she's a witch I tells ya', Burn 'er, BURN 'ER!

Okay, I'm better. But seriously, One day Jimmy can't stand Cindy. The next, (After an endless quest through time and space) He asked her to a dance!

KIMMY: (Yes, and I'm sure the time travel had NOTHING to do with it.)

She still torments me and Carl. Giving us daily glares of menacing hatred have yet, as far as I've seen, to be removed from her daily routine. The enemy's friends, as I mentioned, are named Libby and Amy. While Libby is peaceful, pretty, and perfect in every other way, Amy is kind of crazy, too.

AMY: (What? I'm Crazy, huh. As opposed to you, doll boy.)

KIMMY: (At least someone agrees with me.)

AMY: (HEY!)

Amy, now that I think about it, is really just as bad as Cindy. She tricked Carl into liking her! They're all witches! Burn 'em! BURN 'EM!

AMY: (Sheen is SO totally wrong! You're right, Kim, this is stupid.)

KIMMY: (Actually, I'm starting to find his perspective on such circumstances quite
amusing.)

They all roam the halls of Lindbergh Elementary, ready to be your buddy one moment, then ATTACK the next. So here are some pointers:

* Avoid Cindy Vortex at all costs

* ESPECIALLY if she's with Amy...

* Anyone can be a victim, so keep an Ultralord with you at all times!

* (All grape juice involved incidents don't count.)

KIMMY: (Yeah, right, doll boy)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sheen, I am going to strangle you. Seriously, I will surgically remove your vocal cords. (The part about Cindy was rather entertaining, though...)

AMY: (Jimmy and Cindy, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G) STOP IT!!!]

Chapter Three: The Popular Kids

(Commentary by: Cindy Vortex and Carl Wheezer)

There are two types of popular, basically, at our school: Cindy Vortex's Popular, or Betty Quinlan's Popular.

CINDY:(Hey, at least I don't strut around boys all day, flipping my perfect dark hair and pretend to be innocent so every dang boy in the entire grade can just FAWN over me!)

CARL: (You two have issues, don't you?)

CINDY:(No!)

A crowd made up of social leaders like Brittany and Nick, surrounds Betty. They are the better looking, have a higher social stamina, and are generally better at every thing they do.

CINDY: (This is crud. Betty is such a flake!)

CARL: (Well, Betty's nicer than you are Cindy.)

CINDY: (Yeah, whatever.)

Cindy is popular in a more evil sense, causing pain and misery to anyone she interacts with.

CINDY: (And guess who's next?)

CARL: (I think you're just jealous because Betty gets more positive attention.)

Instead of being genuinely nice like Betty, she gains her reputation by picking on specific, helpless individuals, and then pulling off this act like she was sweet and sincere all along. Yeah.

CINDY: (ME? I'm the one who pulls the act, right? Absolute CRUD!)

Her crowd consists of people such as Amy and my sweet Libby along with, occasionally, Kimmy and that other blonde girl, whatever her name is. They may not
be at the top of the social standings, but they are powerful and capable of many more things than you'd expect, an imposing threat to anyone in their way.

CINDY: (You better believe it.)

CARL: (I'm scared, now.)

This really was a weird chapter for me to write. Both because I'm a complete social out cast, and it took me.[counts on fingers].fifteen minutes to look up the word 'genuinely' in the dictionary!

CINDY: (I'm amazed.)

CARL: (I know! Sheen has fifteen fingers!)

CINDY: ([Rolls eyes])

Words of Wisdom:

*Betty is nice

*Cindy is not

*Betty's friends are cool!

*Cindy's are just weird (this is NOT including Libby, of course)

*Grape stains look AWFUL on a lime green spaghetti strap

CINDY: (You would know, WOULDN'T YOU!)?

PART TWO: The Staff of Lindbergh Elementary School

~

Chapter Five: My Teacher

Commentary by: Libby Folfax and Carl Wheezer

My teacher's name is Ms. Fowl. She is definitely one of the most interesting points to be made in this story.

CARL: (You know, I always thought that Ms. Fowl looked a little like a, well, she sorta'.)

LIBBY: (What?)

CARL: (Nothing.)

Many of our adventures begin in her very classroom. During show and tell, as a matter of fact.but that's a different chapter. All I can say is that you will never cease to be surprised. (Whatever 'cease' means.) In fact, this class is so unpredictable, that I have many more survival tips in this chapter, organized by circumstance (or whatever invention Jimmy brought in that day.)

CARL: (Hey, it's not always Jimmy's fault things go wrong.)

LIBBY: (Are you blind, or just stupid?)

CARL: (I'm neither, for your information! I just have a fragile scapula.)

LIBBY: ([Gives Carl a weird look and inches away a little] Yeah.)

What to Do If:

YOUR TEACHER TURNS INTO A 50-FOOT PLANT- Let's face it. You're limited to mainly three choices.
{A} Call the military
{B} Shove Jimmy's shiny fork-thing down her throat, or
{C} Make a salad

YOUR TEACHER FALLS IN LOVE WITH THOMAS EDISON-Okay, first of all, gross! Second of all, here are your options.
{A} Put Tommy back into a time booth
{B} Use a voice machine and tell Ms. Fowl that she stinks, OR.{
C} Go into the past yourself, supposedly 'invent' the light bulb, and put YOUR name in history!

YOUR TEACHER.UM.ACTUALLY, THAT'S ALL I GOT.

Yes, scary how many things can go wrong in this class, isn't it? Well, it's not like Jimmy's inventions NEVER work. Take last week for example.

CARL: (Oh, yeah! I remember. Jimmy invented this permanent-staining grape juice and had Sheen spill it on Cindy!)

LIBBY: (That was Neutron?)

CARL: (Uh.maybe.)

I can't tell you exactly what happened, but trust me, it was funny!

LIBBY: (It'll be even more hilarious when I tell Cindy.)

CARL: (Oh, no! I didn't mean to say anything! Please!)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Carl, shut up! Even SHEEN had enough sense to keep his mouth shut! Cindy will KILL me if she finds out it was my fault!

LIBBY: (I might even sell tickets.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!]

CHAPTER SIX: The Principal

Commentary by: Amy Casely and Libby Folfax

Our principal. Our jumpy, high pitched, peace loving principal. This dude SERIOUSLY doesn't like me...I mean, I put his favorite tie through the shredder ONE time, and---

AMY: (Sheen, it was like, seven times)

LIBBY: (No, the last two times were from the pencil sharpener...)

AMY: (Oh, yeah.)

This guy found it fit to audition me for the school chorus, and tell me I wasn't "GOOD ENOUGH" Ha! He will regret the day he questioned my wrath, loyal follower of the Ultra-alliance! Mua-ha-ha!!!

AMY: (What's this guy on?)

LIBBY: (Crazy Pills...)

But okay, back to serious. Basically, whenever Jimmy wins a smart guy thingy award, Principal Wiloughby is the one to give it to him. He judges the science fairs, directs for drama club AND the chorus, and actually tried to broadcast a local television show...LIKE ULTRALORD! Ultralord is a TV show! It's really cool!

LIBBY: (Agh! SHEEN! Just tell the stupid story!)

AMY: (Yeah, stop getting of subject!)

LIBBY: (Don't yell at my boyfriend!)

AMY: (Don't yell at me!)

[Out of nowhere] I love being the center of attention...Weird! Why'd I say that?

LIBBY: (Don't tell me when to yell at you for yelling at him!)

AMY: (Stop that! I'll yell whenever the heck I feel like it!)

LIBBY: (Oh yeah?)

Anyway...Principal Wiloughby is a little, uh.... girly. I mean, come on! He's constantly talking about movies and a guy named 'Oscars' and all that crud. WHO CARES? Jeez, this guy definitely needs to take a chill pill. ALL THE YELLING, AND THE SCREAMING, AND THE SQUEALING, AND, AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

AMY: (Principal Wiloughby is NOT the one who needs to take the chill pill, dude...)

LIBBY: (What are you suggesting?)

AMY: (Nothing, just-)

LIBBY: (You wanna' go?!)

AMY: (Bring it on!)

Dang, there's that weird feeling again! Oh well, to conclude this calm and informative speech, I would like to make some final notes:

* If you ever find yourself face-to-face with our principal, you can always rely on the 'theater' for conversation (that, and the school-tanning salon)

* Having this guy burst into your classroom suddenly, singing good news can only be expected

* When in doubt...WATCH THE ULTRALORD TV SHOW!!!

* That is all...

AMY: (Yeah, this girl can't do anything to me...)

LIBBY: (Wanna' bet?)

AMY: (Agh! At least I didn't spill Neutron's grape juice on you!)

LIBBY: (You knew about that?)

AMY: (Uh, maybe...)

[Editor: Sheen, I highly suggest you stop these two before they kill each other...]

Chapter Seven: THE END! (Ultralord)

(Commentary by: Everyone)

Okay, folks. It's time to bring an end to the great Survival Guide that is Sheen! I hope you enjoy it and want to give a surprise ending to all my loyal fans!

AMY: Sheen, this is a written report.

CINDY: [rolling eyes] Why did I even waste my time here?

LIBBY: Nothing good on Pay-Per-View.

CINDY: True...

This time, I will not be writing a report dealing with the happenings of our school, but something better!

KIMMY: [sarcastically] Oh, boy.

ULTRALORD! [breaks into song] Ultralord, Ultralord, fighting crime with his Ulrasword! He can fly, what a guy! Watch the criminals wave bye-bye! Who's got electric booties? Loves his crime-fighting duties? And is immune to cooties? His name is Ultralord!

JIMMY: Wow...

CINDY: That's it. I'm leaving. [stands up and starts to walk off]

AMY: Wait! If you leave, I'll be all alone!!!

CINDY: Too bad.

AMY: Cindy!!! [runs after her]

KIMMY: Great.

Ultralord is the greatest hero of the universe! All shall follow him! [maniacal laughter] HAHAHA!!!

JIMMY: Sheen, you wanna' calm down?

CARL: It's scaring me, Jimmy!

They need an 'Ultralord Day'! That would be SO COOL! And we would sing the theme song, and, and,

KIMMY: Wait up guys! [runs out]

LIBBY: Sheen...

CARL: [looks at watch] Oh! The Llama channel's on! Gotta' go, Sheen! [runs off]

We will fight crime where ever it pursues us! Beware evil! HAHAHA!

LIBBY: Okay, I ain't hangin' out with you if you aren't gonna' take your medicine.

ULTRA-DAY! It shall be known forever!

JIMMY: Sheen-
 
It will be SO

JIMMY: Sheen-

SOOOO,

JIMMY: SHEEN!

[runs behind him and pulls back a curtain to reveal Jimmy and six empty chairs]

What? I just get, Hey! Where is everybody?

JIMMY: It's over. [walks out]

What? You can't do this! I have rights! I demand a re-take! Come on guys! I only got to chapter seven! That's not fair! [walks out, shouting] Guys! Come on!

THE END...Or IS it?